Monday, July 11, 2011

Silent all These Tears - Tori Amos

YouTube - Silent All These Years

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid 
In these jeans of his 
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven
Where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there

Cause what if I'm a mermaid 
In these jeans of his 
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These...

Years go by 
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in my head
Years go by 
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy easy easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you here
Take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid 
In these jeans of his 
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice [x3]

And it's been here
Silent All These Years
I've been here
Silent All These Years 

Thursday, July 7, 2011


I just went to Facebook to create a causes and community page for Rape Victims' Rights Movement, once I typed in the name of the movement a message popped up that said "Our automated system will not allow the name "Rape Victims' Rights Movement." I went to the help page to see why this was not allowed, and it says it may have contained abusive terms. I understand that they don't want anyone using the word rape in a twisted way, but how are we supposed to hit home and make a difference if people don't even know what we're about?
  But that's okay, I'll name it RVR Movement on Facebook.

Rape related PTSD - educate yourself and spread awareness!

Rape-Related Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

   The link above will take you to The National Center for Victims of Crime's page on PTSD.
It's healthy for us to learn about it, because obviously it applies to the most of us, and also educate others about it. Lots of people think oh yeah people with PTSD are soldiers, or people who got in car accidents, ect. It rarely pops into someone's head that sexual abuse survivors suffer PTSD.
  Spread your knowledge. When someone hears of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I want sexual abuse survivors to pop into their minds. The more aware people are, the better chance we have at fighting this crime.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Don't Make Victim Pay $35,000 For Refusal to Cheer Rapist

Silsbee High School in Texas wants their cheerleaders smiling, energetic, and willing to cheer for their rapists by name.
H.S., a Silsbee student, reported being raped by Rakheem Bolton, a fellow student and athletic star. Bolton pled guilty to a lesser assault charge against her.
Bolton was allowed to continue playing on the varsity basketball team, which meant that in her role as cheerleader, H.S. would have to cheer for a team that included her rapist. She continued to do so, but refused to cheer for him by name during his individual free throws.
In a display of extreme disrespect for a rape survivor and disregard for her well-being, school officials insisted that H.S. had to scream "Rakheem" with the rest of the cheerleaders, or she'd be kicked off the squad. School officials also pushed H.S. "to keep a low profile, such as avoiding the school cafeteria and not taking part in homecoming activities." She refused these instructions and lost her spot as a cheerleader.
Tell Silsbee officials that this is no way to treat rape victims, and insist that they publicly issue an apology to H.S. immediately. Furthermore, tell them to instate a policy outlining appropriate treatment of sexual assault survivors, which does not put the onus on the victim to ensure smooth interactions at the school, and to instate prevention programs that have been suggested by H.S.'s father.
Update: H.S.'s family lost a First Amendment lawsuit, with the court deciding that cheerleaders are only a "mouthpiece" for their schools, with no right to refuse their to cheer their rapists. The court further declared the lawsuit "frivolous" and has ordered the family to pay more than $35,000 in legal fees. For the school to take money from a rape victim over their clear misconduct -- even if it's not for free speech reasons -- is beyond the pale. Demand that Silsbee refuse to take money from the victim's family.
Update: Want to do something else for H.S.? Journalist Scott Rose is calling for people to mail one penny to the Silsbee School District if the superintendent will not waive the fee as a form of protest. You're encouraged to send a note expressing your POV on the subject as well. Pennies should be mailed to:
Richard Bain Jr.
Silsbee Independent School District
415 Highway 327 West
Silsbee, TX, 77656
If you'd like to help H.S.'s family with their own legal fees, you can donate via Paypal to the address

I take no credit for this information, I read it on and copy & pasted it here for us to help make a change.

Sign Petition

Please sign the petition everybody!

The Rest of my Story

I grabbed my jeans and put them on then ran out to the living room. I was shaking uncontrollably, I fell onto the couch I remember blinking my eyes like a million times, I don't know what good I thought that'd do for me but apparently I thought it'd make it all go away. The feeling of shock mixed with fear was incredible. I couldn't sleep, I didn't know what to do. If I left, I wouldn't know where to go or who to go to. What if he found me walking the streets? What if I find someone just like him? People say "you could have went to police" ... How could I trust anyone. How could I even think clearly to even think to go to police? His mom was right there. She heard me scream like something out of a scary movie. My fricken life turned into a scary movie. She just stayed in her room, ignoring it all. A mom. A mom hearing a 16 year old baby scream for help. What a piece of shit. So no, I couldn't try anybody, still don't know if I can. I can't stop thinking of how I felt like the worlds biggest whore. Just a slut being treated as one. It never occured to me prior to this that people did something to people so twisted. I never ever thought things like this happend. It's disgusting. It left me feeling disgusting. To this day I'd like to rip my skin completely off of my body, burn it, and walk away skinless looking as sick as I feel. I don't mean to be so twisted, but when twisted things happen to you, you're mind as well becomes sick. I try to steer clear of feeling those ways and becoming a twisted person. Back to my story. I somehow managed to sleep, I don't remember how, but I woke up in the morning to find a shirt he laid across my body that said "I'm with the drummer." He was a drummer in the band. How fucked up. To this day I cannot process that in my mind. I just can't. Did he really thing he owned me? He couldn't have. Who could think that? You don't treat someone like that and then think you own them. You don't. I'm not a slave to your sick desires or something to unleash your anger on, you don't own me. He doesn't own me. Later that day, Aaron and the rest of the band was coming over to practice, Aaron knew my mom was looking for me and Daryl didn't want anyone to find me so he came to me and said I needed to hide. I just looked at him disgusted. He said we need to come up with a story to tell Aaron. I gave him the same look. Anyways, Aaron ended up coming, and finding me. I was afraid to leave with him. In my mind I was thinking if I left with him, Daryl would be mad, if he was mad who knows what would happen to me or Aaron. Or, if I left with Aaron what if he attacks me too? What if his girlfriend lets him? But I knew I couldn't stay there. Not if I had any chance in hell of saving myself. I pulled Aaron aside and whispered to him that I wanted to get out of there but I'm afraid that Daryl will get mad. Aaron was pissed off about Daryl not telling anyone he had me. so he told me to pack my things and he stormed away and went in the kitchen to Daryl. They were yelling at eachother but trying to keep quiet. I was scared to death. The shaking never completely stopped since it happend, but it intensified as I was packing my things listening to them yell. Anyways, I got out. I eventually got home. To find my mom sick, I didn't even recognize her. She was nearly dead, she hadn't eaten, barely slept. She was so pale. Lost so much weight. I'd never seen her or anyone except for a dead person at a funeral look so sick. I really hated seeing my mom that distressed, upset, sick, worried, hopeless.

My Story. (the 1st time I've told it since my police statement.)

*Be aware this can cause triggering!*
t was summer in Rochester, NY and I was 16. Right around this time I've developed an attitude, one that made me think I was old enough to be my own boss and nobody else can tell me what to do. This caused so many arguments with my mom and I. Everyday it was an argument over something soo dumb. July 23rd we had been arguing all day, I don't even know what it started over. Anyways, by the time 3am came around I walked out of the door and was never seen again. I just left out of frustration and anger. I walked around for a little while, texted my mom trying to work things out, got more frustrated, and then my phone died. I couldn't go back home. Or at least I thought I couldn't. I walked down the road about 5 miles to the mall, I tried to turn my phone on one more time to text someone to come pick me up. No one was awake, but there was one person who I knew would be up, and had a car. I won't change names, I'm telling it like it is. His name is Daryl Malcolm. He's serving 7 years in Cayuga State Prison in NY. Keep in mind he was 26 years old, I was 16. I texted him and said I had a fight with my mom, no where to to, can you come get me at the mall. He said he'd be there asap. I barely knew this guy. He was an acquaintance. I probably talked to him 3 times prior to this. He played in my friends band, that's how I knew of him. I had his number because he had given it to me at a concert one night, but we hadn't texted. An hour later he arrived at the mall, I was soaking wet from the rain I had walked through, I was drenched. I got in his truck and he looked at me and said "You look like you need a drink" being 16, i thought okay whatever. We drove to the liquor store. I didn't talk much, I felt pretty sick about the whole argument with my mom. He bought us hypnotic. I'll never drink it again. Anyways, some parts are still fuzzy to me, everything is all twisted in my mind, I can't think straight when it comes to talking about this. But eventually we ended up at a Rite Aid in his town (he lived in a whole different town than mine) he bought me body wash and shavers so I could go to his house and get clean. We ended up back at his house, I didn't shower. I got to his couch in the living room and went to sleep. I was really upset, I just wanted to sleep. Everything happend so fast it was mind blowing, didn't make sense, one hour i was in the city, the next I was out in the sticks with this guy I didn't know very well. I was at his hour for 10 days. I had no idea where exactly I was, how far I was from home, if my mom was okay, what I was supposed to do. It was hard to think when I had him feeding my alcohol EVERY night, and weed from the morning to night. It's amazing how fuzzy my memory is, I read my police statement and can't even remember some of the things I talked about in it. I think I've blocked out a lot, but I remember the important things. One night we went to a music fest thing and he was on mushrooms and tried to give me some, I didn't take them. I remember him driving us back to his house high of mushrooms, I remember being scared. I didn't eat too much, I'm not going to get into details but after the argument with my mom, I didn't know if she was dead or alive, that's why I was so upset. All this time Daryl had me at his house, sheltered from anybody looking for me, my mom had a endangered missing person report out. She nearly died looking for me. All the time Daryl knew she was looking for me. He kept me, never asked if I wanted to call my mom when he KNEW I was upset crying about her. My friend Aaron told Daryl my mom was looking for me, he never told me. He hid me from our friend Aaron.  The band Daryl and Aaron were in were supposed to practice, but didn't because he was hiding me. The next thing I remember is the night it happend. It was exactly like every other night, we sat down on the couch, drank alcohol, and watched tv. He picked up my drink and said it felt warm. He went to go put ice in it. I heard him stirring the ice, which I thought was weird, but didn't care. He kept pressuring me to drink more and faster. He wouldn't stop. Then before I knew it I didn't feel okay. Everything got blurry, I couldn't see right. I know he noticed. That's why he got up and walked towards his room and said "I want to show you something" and told me to follow him. Stupidly, I followed him. When  I stood up I didn't know what was wrong with me, I had never gotten drunk before so I just thought I must have been drunk. I felt fuzzy and blurry and couldn't walk right. I saw more than one of him, didn't know which one was really him. And even stupider ( if that's a word) I plopped myself right on the edge of his bed and said "What do you wanna show me?" It was over from there. I had no control I was fucked up on whatever he gave me, there was no stopping it. I tried. I really tried. I calmly asked him what he was doing, I screamed. I yelled. I freaked out. I hit him. There wasn't anything to do. So I cried. I just cried.
That's all for now guys.

The Lotus

The Lotus is a beautiful flower. It grows deep in the mud, the deeper the mud it's growing in, the more beautiful it blossoms when it comes up. Right now I think we can all agree that we're in some pretty deep mud, we're not waist deep, we're in over our heads. But it's okay, we'll make it - only if we want to.
   You can't give up, keep pushing, keep moving, you'll make it. In every dark cloud there's a silver lining. It gets hard, I've given up too many times. But here I am, the strongest I think I've ever been. And it's only been two years since my attack. I say only because in reality that's not long, but to me it seems like ages. I'm sure I'll have my weak days, and I'll share them with you as well as my strong days. That's how we get through and survive life after rape/molestation/abuse. We share our stories for those who are too afraid to share theirs. By us sharing our stories, we help give others strength to do the same.
   I wear a lotus necklace, everyday, every night, through every shower, all the time. I received it on Christmas the year of my attack from my mother. I wear it all the time because it symbolizes so much. Where I've been, what I've seen, who I was, who I am, the people who help me on my journey to recovery, the ones who stuck by my side through it all, it symbolizes God, everything and everyone I love. It symbolizes who I am.
   We're in the deepest, thickest, mud that almost feels like quick sand, but hey, you know what? We'll help ourselves and each other get out of this, and when we do, we'll blossom beautifully.

My Point in This Blog + What I Want to Accomplish

The past 2 years light is being shined on rape for everyone to see it happens EVERYDAY. As a survivor, it's time to step out of the dark, not alone but TOGETHER & stand up for our rights as people. Follow this blog, and follow me in the direction of working towards a world who sees rape for what it is: disgusting, embarrasing, evil, twisted, sick and a crime that leaves us dead inside. Let us re-build together, let us not stay dead inside, let us rise above & stand up for ourselves!
  If you don't know the story of the Lotus, check out my next blog. Let's gain strength together and stand up. We won't be silenced, I want EVERYBODY to hear us. I want to make an impact on this world and spread sexual abuse awareness. I'm talkin' protests, accepting what happend and sharing our knowledge, the whole nine. We need to make a change.